Foment of the Moment

Our Week

2012-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

This week was crazy-weather-week in our neck of the woods. We had sunshine and warmth and then snow and cold all in a matter of days. On the sunny days Safiya and I headed outside. We were like two drunks on a binge hitting two or three parks a day. Sometimes staying out all morning and then going back out in the afternoon.

Us out for a run.

When it snowed we spent our time snuggling and reading.

This week Safiya reminded me that there is great joy to be had in life.

Half Baked Friday: Happiness

2012-02-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

Recently I realized that I was much happier as a single person than I am as a wife and mother. Would I exchange my current situation for the life I used to lead? Never. I’ve gained a much more meaningful and deeper experience in exchange for the balanced life I once led.

Paul has taken to downloading podcasts for me so I can listen to them when I run. I was thrilled to listen to one such podcast from CBC’s Ideas program, called “Say No To Happiness,” that echoed and expanded my thinking about the place a happiness in our lives. It’s definitely worth a listen.

Picture From My Day

2012-02-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

Half Baked Friday: On Motherhood

2012-02-10T19:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking about motherhood and identity. My friend, who happens to be a mother of two, called me this week to talk about how she feels like she’s lost an important part of who she is since becoming a mom. I totally get this. I have had similar feelings; moments of grief and panic when I realise that parts of who I am have been benched because of my current role. The loss of these selves is, in part, what makes mothering difficult....that and the crying...and the sleep deprivation....oh and the constantly being on call.

Talking to my friend helped me process some of the ways to cope with this transition into motherhood. We talked about keeping a long term perspective. Like my friend said “In the scope of life we don’t have many years with our kids and we’ll probably look back on these years and think that they were so short.” True dat, Sista. When I’m in the thick of it with little S, I often have to step back and realise that I only have to get through the next minute, hour or week and it will get easier again. Having others in my life to help me keep a long term perspective is even more encouraging.

We talked about holding on to bits of our past self by creating outlets like volunteering, staying active in a particular community, or pursuing career goals even if it’s a super small step that take uber long to accomplish. I’ve learnt to boil down what’s really important to me and keeping one, itty, bitty pinkie in those things. For me that's running, which makes me feel empowered, challenged, and balanced; and social work, which allows me to do some good in this world.

One thing we didn’t talk about but I’ve been thinking about as a result of our conversation is that motherhood has also given me time to read again and to pursue interests that I probably won’t have the time for in my past life. I’m discovering possibilities I didn’t know were there before becoming a mom and I guess I’m grateful for that in a mixed emotions kind of way.

Because Of Joy

2012-02-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

In response to my friend Joy’s oh-so-witty comment about hoarding foments, I apologize for the lapse in blog posts. I have been bogged down (boo) with my last social work course (yay!!). This week marks the half way point of the course with only six weeks to go; seven if you count the coming reading week.

Life has...well, kept moving forward. Mom had her final check up with the doc today and while all looks well the jury is still out on what’s actually going on in her body since the medical professionals don’t know why her eye won’t return to the way it was before the cancer. Could be cancer, could be nothing more than a weird result of the lymphoma. Only time will tell.

Safiya is keeping me and Paul extremely busy with the early hours she keeps and her crazy toddler shenanigans. Her current favourite activities include being nude, watching Curious George in the nude, eating fried tofu, steamed broccoli and pickles (clothed or nude), and playing outside (clothed because Mommy makes her).

I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately that I’ve wanted to blog about but haven’t found the time. Topics like happiness, civil rights in Mississippi in the 1960s, the economy, politics (Canadian, American, and world), friendships, death, peace activism, marriage, Canadian Indigenous people during WWI, identity and how to get my kid to put her ears in the water without traumatizing her (face okay; ears not so much). I thought of posting my thoughts on Fridays, calling it “Philosophical Fridays” or alternatively “Half Baked.” I want to create an outlet for my thoughts so they don’t bang around in my head and, if you feel so inclined dear reader, talk (or type) about these things with me so I don’t sit in the isolation of mommy land agreeing with myself (unproductive in the personal growth department). Realistically I won’t be able to post every Friday but I could probably manage three out of four a month. I’ll see how it goes.

Oh, crap. I guess tomorrow would be my first Friday!

Wonder What Mommy Does All Day?

2012-01-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

For those of you who need your weekly Safiya fix. You're welcome.

Picture From My Day

2012-01-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

Safiya and I have spent the last 3 days more or less stuck indoors because Safiya has had a cough and a cold.

Today I decided we were going out no matter what because I just couldn't take another minute of being stuck inside with a little crying kid hanging off of me.

But where to go? I didn't want to go to play groups for fear of other moms giving me dirty don't-make-my-kid-sick looks; we couldn't go outside because it's way to cold for a tot with a cough and that would just be irresponsible parenting; and swimming probably won't make either of us feel better what with all that mucous.

So we ended up at Ikea. We shared a cheap breakfast, Mom had a free coffee (an important part of this story) and Safiya spent the rest of the morning playing in various kid's rooms. It was sweet relief for both of us.

Thank you Sweden.

Good Gift

2012-01-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last night, after Safiya went to bed, I went for a long walk in the snow and ice.When I got home there was a handsome husband waiting for me and a nicely wrapped gift on the coffee table. I was surprised and pleased. I was even more pleased with the gift itself.

Paul bought me a copy of "Mighty Be Our Powers" by Leymah Gbowee.

I can't wait to read it. I heard Gbowee interviewed by John Stewart and she is an extremely impressive person. She won the Noble Peace Prize for helping to organize and then lead the Liberian Mass Action of Peace. The movement brought together Christian and Muslim women in protest against a ruthless dictatorship and helped end a civil war. I'm jazzed about "meeting" her.

There's only about 250 pages of the book I'm currently reading between me and my new read.

Resurrection

2012-01-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'm back online and resurrecting the ol' blog. I won't bore you with the details of December...it was all a blur with a little drama added to keep things interesting. Here are a few of my favorite pics from the last 6 weeks.

Christmas day with my parents at their house in Abby. Safiya givin' my mom some much needed baby love.

Safiya being forced to have a good time on the mall Christmas train with her Dad. Maybe we should start a therapy fund now to mitigate the damage.

(For some reason this pic totally cracks me up...maybe it's some kind of repressed mom thing).

Safiya's first real girly moment at my aunt's house.

PS This picture was taken by my Aunt Sonia.

Safiya in her "bath" at my other aunt and uncle's cabin on Lummi Island. Safiya thought she had won the jackpot of good times.

Break

2011-11-29T19:20:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from blogging until the New Year. I may still occasionally post something if I feel so inclined but for the time being I have no plans to do so.

Since Mom got sick in October and Dad asked me to blog for their friends and family writing up entries feels more like work than play.

So I'm going to take a break until I can return to enjoying the process of writing and posting.

If you are following my Mom's blog I will continue to post updates about her health on her behalf.

Picture From My Day

2011-11-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

Tell me what you eat and I’ll tell you who you are (Dis-moi ce que tu manges je te dirai ce que tu es)

2011-11-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

Sometime ago I started to ask myself why I cared more about international food issues rather than the food issues that preoccupied my friends who are self proclaimed foodies or are much more conscientious than me about eating “organic and local.” So I started reading about women and food.

Through my readings I started to wonder why food is predominantly a women’s issue anyway: 85-95% of eating disorders are found in women (http://www.emedtv.com/) and according to one study that randomly selected 280 food blogs, 85% were published by women.

There are lots of reasons why women eat the way they eat. Historically women have been responsible for food processing, growing, buying, storing and cooking (no big surprise there). But as I read through the material I’ve become more and more convinced that ultimately food is about identity. However, naming these identities is not an easy task since identities are always fluid and changing, being shaped and revised by processes of power, of oppression and privilege. Food as an expression of identity is no exception. I will post some of the ideas that I’ve been contemplating as my thoughts develop about this topic.

Artist: Ghada Amer

Title: The Woman who failed to be Shehrazade

The artist is influenced by the idea of shifting meanings and identities.

Picture From My Day

2011-11-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

First batch of Christmas cookies. Anyone want to come over for a taste test? A cup of tea and a chat are, of course, included.

Gratitude

2011-11-14T20:36:00.003-08:00

Sunlight in Blue Forest by Ellen Scobie

That without a word

you sat with me in grief,

me wounded and alone,

robbed beyond grasping,

you silent and present,

beyond grasping--

this was love.

That you did not save me

but accompanied me,

that when I fell apart,

confident in the whole you did not try

to glue back the pieces,

that you did not protect me from my pain,

my heart's crucial kneading,

did not root around in the ashes

looking for blame,

that you resisted the temptation of explanation,

the ruse of a plan, some clever dramatic device

as if the click of some little metal peice into place

could dismiss what was happening in my heart,

that you set me no timetable, that you set

no fence beyond the strong horse of my anguish,

that you withheld your dexterous knowhow,

so readily shouldered the weight,

accepted the nails of powerlessness,

dared the nothingness empty-handed,

that you were still there

as the petals fell,

patient for the rolling away of the stone--

this is how you loved me,

helpless, raw and given.

This is how youlove me still,

since love that has passes though death

will never die again.

How You Loved Me by Steve Garnaas-Holmes

from "Weavings" Aug/Sept/Oct 2011

Picture From My Day

2011-11-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

Poor Safiya - can't figure out how to work the sunglasses.

And 2 seconds later...the world is once again a moderately happy place.

Up and down and around we go from 6am to 7pm.

Picture From My Day

2011-11-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

Today I made a big pot of delicious Menno (as in Mennonite) soup after Safiya and I came home damp and cold from our walk to/from Strong Start (a kid's government program offered in BC). It made me feel all cozy and warm. The perfect antidote to such a grey day.

UGH!

2011-11-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

I sat down tonight without a clear idea of what I wanted to write. I have all sorts of ideas about what to write...friends, interests, thoughts but I just can’t drum up enough enthusiasm for any of them to articulate it here.

I’m tired. Paul’s tired. Mom’s tired. I’m sure my Dad is feeling the strain as well. But we all have to keep doing what we do to get through this time. When we are through all the chemo and the fear of death that ambushes us every time there is something new to worry about with Mom’s health...I hope that what Mom remembers most is how much she was loved...by God, by us, by family and friends.

Mom 2 years ago at Passover...cooking up a storm.

This photo was taken by my very talented friend Lani Johnson. You can check out her photo blog here.

Picture From My Day

2011-11-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

This afternoon my mother-in-law gave me the gift of an hour or so to myself so I headed up the trails behind our house. It was so beautiful and silent. I had an awesome time. The best possible gift I could get at this juncture of my life. Thank you, Sue!

An Explanation

2011-11-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. I've just been too tired to write anything. It's Mom's chemo week so I've been more involved with her than I normally am. Driving back and forth to Vancouver. It is a great grief to me that I cannot be with her more often but I am thankful for the evenings and mornings we spend together.

As far as posts are concerned, I have quite a few in mind so keep checking. I promise to post when I get a minute.

In lieu of a proper entry I will leave you with a poem by co-blogger Joy posted recently on her blog Pinkling's Place in anticipation of the coming advent season. I love the beautiful of its hope and fear. Something I can relate to these days.

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

Picture From My Day - View From Mom's Hospital Window

2011-10-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

The Owl Family

2011-10-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

I've found that being at home with Safiya can be...umm, BORING!! Don't get me wrong, I totally see the developmental value in playing and singing with Safiya but my poor brain begs for something more and the industrious side of me aches for a project, any project. I find that I'm a better mom to Safiya and partner to Paul when I attend to those inclinations. So in addition to books, podcasts, and nurturing non-mommy conversations, I've taken to having an art project on the go most of the time. I keep it on the island in our kitchen and pick away at it as time allows.

The latest is an owl painting I made for Safiya. It's a daddy owl, mommy owl and a wee Safiya owl. When I finished I put it on the floor so Safiya could check it out. She was, of course, amazed by her mommy's talent and couldn't get enough of the owl family.

Picture From My Day - My Beautiful Mom

2011-10-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

I love you so much!!

Life Lessons

2011-10-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

Things have quieted down around here. Safiya’s been sick with a cold so I haven’t seen mom as much as I would have liked due to the risk of infection. She and I talk over the phone a few times a day and I send what she needs via my dad.

She’s doing better. Getting her butt kicked by the chemo but the tumours are receding which is good, good news.

Windows of Hope by Angela L. Walker

The emotional rawness I was feeling has shifted into a dull numbness. Safiya and I have slowly gotten back into routine this week. We’ve started going to our mom/kid groups again. I feel like we’ve started participating in life. It just felt wrong doing that when mom was really sick. But now that mom has started writing cards, listening to her music and getting interested in the lives of her nurses, I feel alright about starting our life again too.

The emotional pain hasn’t subsided which surprises me. It’s just less intense and occurs less often. I was dreading going back to some of the groups. I knew people would ask how I/we were doing and I hate talking about what happened because it opens up all the pain again. I try to pick and choose when and how I talk about what happened with mom so I’m not perpetually in a place of pain. Going back to our groups wasn’t as bad as I thought though. People were respectful and caring and I had prepped myself in my own head about how I would talk about what’s going on.

Succulent Abstract by Ye Liew

I’ve also been thinking about how mom’s cancer has changed my focus in life.

I’ve learned that you gotta love the people in your life NOW! Write a poem, bake a cake, plan an event or whatever it is that you do or say to show whoever you love that you’re super glad they’re in your life. Why wait? Be good to the people in your life now because we don’t have long together (seriously go give her/him a hug or a call or something).

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I think about suffering quite often. Being so close to my mom’s experience and our experience as a family has deepened my understanding of suffering. I’ve learned that sometimes the person suffering doesn’t ask the kinds of questions I’ve been asking. As least my mom didn’t. She was peaceful throughout her experience even when things were really bad. She said that she felt God’s presence and purpose in her situation. “Honoured and humbled” are the words my mother used. I wonder if sometimes it’s the people in the wake of suffering that demand answers.

I'm learning other stuff too but I'm not willing to share yet. I'm still thinking about some of the more significant lessons I'm learning about how to love well.

Picture From My Day

2011-10-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Safiya is the kind of kid that wears buckets on her head and eats ketchup for breakfast...tires poor mommy out!

Picture From Friday - Safiya Met Her First Starfish

2011-10-16T20:44:00.001-07:00

Mom's New Blog

2011-10-16T10:14:00.001-07:00

I set up a blog for mom called Cancer Wars. You can either click on the title of the blog or cut and paste the address http://sandrathiessen.wordpress.com/. I will be posting all info pertaining to mom on that site. See ya over there.

Mom Update - 11/10/15

2011-10-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I spent a few hours with mom. I had to wear a surgical mask and sit by the door. No touching mom or her stuff and I couldn't go anywhere else in the ward. This is all a precaution because mom is so vulnerable to disease right now and Safiya has had a cold.

Mom said she feels better everyday but is still pretty weak. She's starting to process what happened to her last week and was talking to me about it a bit. The disease she has is mostly found in African children and mom keeps thinking about the kids who have this Lymphoma but no access to medication or medical help. She said she feels a deep compassion for these children and for people going through cancer in a way she had not before she got sick.

Mom is very concerned about her eyesight. The doctors can't find anything wrong with her brain but think that it's connected to the Lymphoma and may go away once the chemo kicks in.

Mom said she has been told she has a 60-70% chance of survival.

Mom Update - 11/10/13

2011-10-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

One final update for today. The doctors told mom this afternoon that she definitely has Burkitt's Lymphona. So her chemo changed to a very aggressive form of chemo. She has to get spinal taps as part of the new protocol. She had one tonight that didn't take and she told me it was very painful.

The good news is that the survival rate of Burkitt's Lymphona is really high and the chances of getting it again are low so we're happy about that. Mom is very susceptible to infection right now because her immunity is suppressed at the moment. I didn't go in to the hospital tonight (Avi covered) because Safiya had a cold and we didn't want to run the risk of mom catching anything from me.

Mom was very, very tired tonight (probably due to her new round of chemo).

Mom Update - 11/10/13

2011-10-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Mom’s having the best day she’s had in a long time. She has started to eat regularly and slept 3-4 hours last night. Dad said he thinks she’s getting stronger everyday. Mom had two pints of blood pumped into her because her blood count was so low which has really helped her feel better.

Dad said he has been very encouraged by the emails people have sent. He (and the rest of us) are so grateful for people’s prayers and words of encouragement.

We have also received enough donations for Rachel to fly home 4 times which means she can go home every two weeks for the next two months. It’s a huge relief to her and the fam. Chuck, Rachel’s husband, said he is humbled by people’s generosity and care. As such, I have disabled the donation button and have gone back to my old blog format. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I will continue to keep everyone updated.

Mom Update - 11/10/12

2011-10-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Not much has changed with mom today. Mom hardly slept at all last night because some of the meds keep her up. So she's pretty tired today.

The doctors came in to tell her that she definitely has Lymphoma but they are uncertain as to what kind it is. The good news is that Lymphoma is a cancer that can be treated. Trust mom to get some weird strain of cancer.

That's it for now. I'll post again if there is more news.

Thanksgiving

2011-10-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

(This post is my own ramblings so if you want an update on mom scroll down two posts)

Two years ago yesterday Paul and I got married. We were so stickin' happy to be marrying eachother, so in love (I've blogged about falling in love and love after marriage before).

Last year's anniversary Safiya had just been born and we were knee deep in dirty diapers, sleep deprivation, and breastfeeding. Mom rocked Safiya while Paul and I went to Burnaby Lake Park. We sat on a bench and had tea then quickly returned home just in case Safiya needed anything.

This year Rach and Dad covered for me at the hospital so I could have a quiet dinner with Paul. We lit candles and had a glass of wine.

It's funny you know. We've never had an anniversary in which we could really engage eachother. This year my mind wasn't really in it. I just think about mom all the time and it was hard to talk about anything else. It feels like this every day reality is the non-reality, like I just go through the motions during the day. Today I was twenty minutes past my turn off for Superstore before I realized it.

Safiya napping with mom at the beginning of last week before things took a turn for the worst

I look on facebook and think "how can people just go on with their lives?" I want to scream at people "Hey, hey my mom has cancer...she almost died last week, she still might die." I feel raw. I can't really talk about it too much with people other than Paul and my siblings because I just can't process everyone else's feelings as well as my own. I feel super protective of my heart. Like it might get ripped out any second and death might do her little dance on it again.

This anniversary I'm just thankful for Paul...and for his parents. They have been so great through this whole thing. Paul hugs me a lot, doesn't make a big deal out of my short-comings, and fills in the gaps of household duties and childcare. Sue and Doug have been my backup. Coming to our house or the hospital at the drop of a hat. I feel more grateful than ever for my marriage to Paul.

Keim Family

2011-10-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

(For an update on mom just scroll down. I had to change the format of my blog to incorporate the donation button).

So I've been working on providing a way for people to donation extra AirMiles and any financial contributions people want to make to my sister's family.

Just in case people haven't been tracking the posts, I'll summarize what I wrote up yesterday. My sister is the primary bread winner for her family of 6 while Chuck, her husband, is completing his Ph.D in business. They have four kids between the ages of 8 and thirteen. She misses them a lot and feels torn between her responsibilities as a mom and wanting to take care of her own mother.

Since Monday Rachel has been on a Leave of Absence from her work to come look after mom. So right now, Rachel is using up all her sick time but after next week the Keim family will no longer have an income. As such, they cannot afford for Rachel to fly between Vancouver and Edmonton over the next month or two to visit her family.

We (Dad, Avi, and I) all want to do whatever is in our power to make sure that Rach can stay for as long as possible with mom because she is so great medically and can push for stuff that the rest of us don't even know exists. She is also an excellent care giver and we're pretty reliant on her to look after mom.

So yesterday I asked people to think about donating AirMiles or a little money.

Rachel's AirMiles is under Rachel Keim, the number is 8008 509 9144. To make the transfer, you call AIR MILES Customer Care Centre at 1-888-AIR MILES (247-6453). It's important to know that they charge 15 cents per mile transferred. I'm not sure if there is a better way to do this. Please let me know if you've done this before and know a better way to transfer miles.

I have also added an online donation button at the top of my blog which you just click and donate.

Mom Update - 11/10/11

2011-10-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

Mom had a hard morning today. She had the Hickman line put into her chest for the chemo. It was very emotional for mom, Rachel and dad because it required a visit to the Cath Lab (I think it's like OR).

However, mom is doing better over all. It seems like the reverse of what was happening last week. Everyday mom is perkier than the day before. It's wonderful to watch.

Medical update: Mom's bilirubin levels were up yesterday because the chemo is killing the bad cells in mom's liver so she is less yellow. There still is no change in the lung cancer department but that is usual. The docs say that sometimes it takes a while for the chemo to kick in.

Mom's still not eating so her potassium is low. The hospital is trying to rush the biopsy results and the MRI got pushed back until today so we're hoping she'll have it done this afternoon.

Mom's in an isolated ward because she is so vulnerable to infection.

Emotional update: Mom is emotionally fragile. She can't handle anything and cries quite often. We all see her everyday because she gets stressed if we take a break.

Mom and Dad have both requested that people not visit because of mom's vulnerability to infection and because of her fragile emotional state. However, Dad said that he is happy if people stop by the hospital to visit him and/or Rachel during the days. He can just come down to the main entrance and meet you.

We are overwhelmed by the support we have received. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Mom Update - 11/10/10

2011-10-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I usually blog in the evening or at Safiya’s nap time but I’m on evening shift at the hospital with mom and I sleep during nap time. However, I will do my best to continue to let everyone know how things are going.

After spending a night and a day in the emerge, mom is now in a room on the fifteenth floor of VGH in the Bone Marrow Transplant and Leukemia Unit. It’s a specialized unit that cares for patients with specific types of cancer one of which is Burkitt’s Lymphoma.

Mom has a private room with an awesome view and she can see the mountain where I live from her window so she says she watches me coming and going. She’s settling in to her new space. She will probably be there for at least a month and has asked me to bring some pictures to pin on the board in her room.

She’s still not eating very much but has all her IVs in. For the last two days when I’ve asked her how she’s doing she says “better than yesterday.” She’s going through her chemo now and trying to get stronger. She can’t walk because of weakness but can stand. Mom’s toxic because of the chemo therapy so we can’t help her go to the bathroom anymore or hold the try when she barfs. That part is a bit hard because we have to wait on the nurses all the time.

Mom’s tests went well yesterday. She said she almost had not pain from the liver biopsy and the health care staff let Rachel be with mom through out her procedures.

Mom still has to do her MRI today for her eye but that is the last procedure (hopefully). There is a chance that the double vision will go away once the chemo starts acting.

Mom mostly sleeps and is sometimes very emotional. She says that things that bother her the most are the vision and her cough.

We’re with her 24/7. Rachel is at the hospital during the days because that’s when most of the medical decisions are made and we want Rach there for that. I come in at around 3pm and stay until my brother gets there for the night shift. Dad comes and goes as much or as little as he would like. Mom still needs someone with her all the time since she can’t do anything for herself. Also I think we’re all paranoid she’s going to die on us if we leave her even though that is very unlikely to happen at this point.

I feel like the crisis is over and mom’s not at death’s door anymore...although the cancer has not started to reseed yet. As of yesterday, it was still creeping up her lungs and taking over her breathing (she’s on oxygen all the time).

This week has been pretty exhausting for everyone in the family. Avi has taken a leave from his work. He was also in the first semester of his Engineering Master’s degree when all this happened so he’s trying to work on courses in between stuff but may have to withdraw this year and defer to next year. Wendy, Avi’s partner, has come out until Wednesday which is really nice for him.

I’ve withdrawn from the last course of my social work degree this term and plan on completing the program in January if everything is okay with mom. I’m missing my baby and husband since I don’t get a chance to spend much time with Paul and only see Safiya in the mornings (she naps in the afternoon). Paul is still teaching plus he does child care when he gets home so he’s definitely feeling the strain.

Rachel has taken a leave of absence from her work and, being the primary bread winner for her family (Chuck’s working on a Ph. D in business), her family now does not have an income. Chuck and the kids went back to Edmonton on Sunday and she said that the kids are finding it difficult to be without her.

Rachel hasn’t asked me to do this but I was wondering if people have spare air miles or a little extra this month they could make a donation to her family so when things settle down a bit more, Rach can take a weekend and go visit her kids and husband. It looks like mom is going to need care for at least the next four weeks. Just something to think about.

I’ll work on setting up online donation button and get Rachel’s air miles info to post today. If you have another idea about how best to donate or are more techie than me, just let me know (my email is amandathiesse@gmail.com).

Thanks everyone for your continued support and prayers. We need it.

Update

2011-10-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

This is Paul (Amanda's husband) with an update on Sandy.

Please continue to pray. Sandy has several tests today - MRI, CT scan, x-ray and liver biopsy - so pray that she has the strength to get through them, they go quickly and smoothly, and that the results of the tests bring good news.

Thanks!

Mom Update -11/10/08

2011-10-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

My dad called from the hospital this morning to let me know that mom has had her first round of chemo treatment. She has also undergone a bone marrow biopsy to confirm the Burkitt's Lymphoma diagnosis and to check for additional cancers. Dad said that the biopsy was somewhat painful but not overwhelmingly so. Mom has yet to undergo a spinal tap to check for cancer in her central nervous system. My understanding is that if the cancer in the nervous system we're back to palliative. However, for right now we're just happy to have a little hope on our side. Dad also said that mom is grumpy and bossy...which we're delighted over. So much better then the passivity and resignation of the death fight.

Get On Your Knees

2011-10-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

Oh, my gosh people. Start praying. Mom has Burkitts Lymphoma and it's treatable! She has been transferred tonight to Vancouver General Hospital for two weeks of 4 rounds of aggressive chemo. Please, please start praying for her. Mom is so weak and feeling like she won't be able to pull through. Please pray that her body and mind will be able to endure the chemo.

Tonight was horrendous. Rachel said it was the worst thing she's seen in her nursing career. Mom was vomiting and had diarrhea and was in excruciating pain. The nurses couldn't give her enough meds to kill the pain. My brother called to tell me mom might pass tonight. I cried my face off while Paul and I waited for Sue, my mother-in-law, to arrive to stay with Safiya. As we pulled up to the hospital, my sister called to tell me the results of the biospy were in and mom had Burkitts Lymphoma, a very aggressive type of cancer but treatable.

By the time I got up to her floor, mom and dad were in her room trying to decided if mom wanted to go ahead with the treatment or if she was ready to die. If she chose not to go for the treatment, the doctor estimated she had two weeks to live. Mom said she didn't know if she can handle the chemo but said she would do it if all of us kids wanted her to. We do want her to so she is going to go through with it.

This does not mean mom will live it just means she may live. So please pray for her. Pray that God gives her the strength to live. We want her around so badly but we also don't want undo suffering for mom.

2011-10-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

Please pray for mom tonight. She is in excruciating pain.

Mom Update – 11/10/07

2011-10-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

Mom has asked that we turn away visitors. She wants to be surrounded by immediate family. This is all going so much faster than we expected and I know a lot of people still want to see mom. Although she may want to see visitors again at some point, I suggest that if you have something you want to say, you email it (dsthiessen@gmail.com) and we will read it to her.

Mom has also asked that instead of flowers, people make donations to the Marks Centre. Evy and Steve, the Executive Directors of Marks Centre where my parents moved in August, have been absolutely amazing allowing mom to come home to her things and her room, providing a safe place for my dad and rooms to stay in for my sister and her family. We are so grateful to them.

It seems that every day is harder than the last and today was no exception. Each of Rachel’s four kids spent time individually with grandma. They lay in bed with her and cried and loved her. It was so hard to watch their pain and my mother’s pain. I cannot imagine how my sister felt. She said that watching her kids suffer is way worse than her own grief.

As far as how mom is doing physically, today she started coughing. She’s more tired and weaker with each passing day.

Tomorrow morning she will be transferred to a private room in the Abbotsford Hospital and then hopefully, after the long weekend, she will be able to go home.

Our family has been moved by many of your emails and can’t believe how many lives my mom has touched! As my 13 year old niece said “why does the best person in the whole world have to die?”

Mom Update – 11/10/06

2011-10-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

Mom had her biopsy today which went well. She hardly had any pain although it did leave her quite exhausted. Mom is now considered palliative which means that there will be no interventions as the cancer progresses however, comfort measures are being taken. She is short of breath so she is on oxygen. She also has access to whatever pain killers she wants. So far she has taken very few.

Mom did not go home from the hospital today but expects to go home soon. She wants to stay in the hospital for 24 hours after her biopsy to make sure there is no internal bleeding. There are also some arrangements that have to be made at home to make her comfortable there.

Sonia, mom's sister, came to visit today which was a great comfort to mom. My Auntie Sonia was diagnosed with cancer in June and is now going through chemo herself.

Avi my brother arrived yesterday afternoon and mom said he has been amazing (her words). Dad also told me that he was very appreciative that Avi was with him yesterday when he went home because Dad didn’t want to face an empty house on his own.

My sister and her family arrived today. Rachel is a nurse and takes care of people like my mom for a living so we are all a little relieved that she is here and knows what’s what medically. She is also an excellent caregiver and takes good care of mom’s needs.

Tomorrow all four of my sister’s kids are coming to see mom. They are all really close to their grandma and have been very upset by the news of mom’s cancer. Mom said that saying good bye to the kids in the hardest part of this whole thing for her. So please keep her in your prayers tomorrow.

Mom also said that although she cannot see as many people as she would like, she would love to hear from you so you can always email (dsthiessen@gmail.com) and we will read email to mom as she can’t see well enough to read them herself.

Mom is at peace and restful but this is never-the-less so so difficult for her. Please pray that she will be comforted, that her suffering will be short lived and that she will not be afraid.

Offering

2011-10-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

We try to kill death with our words

With our hugs and kisses and care

But it doesn’t change anything

It dulls the pain maybe for a while

Until I’m alone rocking my baby to sleep

Then I shake with grief

My Dad with my baby and two very friendly puppies.

I ended up going into the hospital yesterday even though I had intended to stay home and have a 'normal' day with Safiya. I just had a feeling in the morning that mom might need us: need to hold Safiya, to be hugged and loved. I'm glad I went in. It was a hard day. It's never easy finding out that you probably don't have as long to live as you thought.

Dad needed us too. Safiya snuggled him and watched Treehouse in the lounge while he wept. Safiya knew something was up too. She was as good as gold in the car and in the hospital. Usually she's a force to be reckoned with so it was nice to see her that way. I think I'll take her there more often.

Mom update – 2011-10-05

2011-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

My dad has asked me to use my blog as a way of letting people know what’s going on with mom. I will continue to post my own thoughts, experiences etc. but I will also post daily about mom’s welfare.

Today was a difficult day. Mom found out she has cancer in her lungs in addition to her liver, kidneys and stomach (which she already knew about). The good news was that the cancer doesn’t appear to be in her brain. However, the doctors think there is still something going on in her brain because she has terrible double vision, quite a bit of pressure and a headache.

She is staying at Peace Arch Hospital until tomorrow. The doctors want to do a biopsy on her liver and then she can go home. Mom has decided that home is where she would most like to be so we are honouring her wishes.

Mom and dad have had so many people calling, emailing and visiting. They are truly grateful for all the thoughts, prayers and love. I know it has meant so much to my parents. I think all the people caring for mom are a testament to her generous and hospitable spirit.

Mom does get quite tired though so my dad has asked that people call or text him before visiting (604-644-2943). Also, mom loves the company so she has a bit of a hard time letting people know when she’s had enough interaction so if you come for a visit (which I’m sure she hopes you do), please expect to stay 15-20 minutes.

Oh, yeah...I almost forgot. Dad also said that tomorrow is not a good day to visit because mom is getting her biopsy which can be quite painful and they also may be going home.

Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers. I’m sure we will continue to need the support as this may be a long and difficult journey.

Life Without Her

2011-10-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at around 2:30pm my mom called me from the hospital to tell me she had been diagnosed with cancer....advanced, terminal cancer. She went in to emerge because she had been having stomach aches for two weeks and then found out the devastating news. I know this will come as quite a shock to some of you who know us.

It shocked the hell out of me. I’ve cried so much my eyeballs sting and my teeth ache. Mom said she didn’t care who knows about it so I don’t feel bad posting this. She said the more people praying for her the better.

I called my cousin and bawled then drove straight to Paul’s school. He was waiting for me in the parking lot. I sobbed in his arms for a good while.

After that I headed for the hospital to be with my mom. I just wanted to be near her: to hold her hand and be with her so she wouldn't be alone.

To say I’m sad in an understatement. I’m devastated. I feel like my life has been turned inside out and upside down and been given a good shake.

I’m scared for the suffering my mom may have to endure. I’m worried about my dad being alone and losing the love of his life whose been by his side for 37 years.

I’m grieved that my kids won’t know my mom. Most of all I don’t know what my life will look like without her. I don’t know how to not have my mom in my life.

A Gift

2011-10-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Me and Joy back in the day (Tofino, 2009)

This morning I had the pleasure of logging on to my friend's blog and finding a poem dedicated to me. I was so moved that she was thinking of me and understood how I was feeling that I cried. Friendships have a way of being one of the most profound delights in life. Thanks Joy for such a wonderful and unexpected gift.

Still Life

I’d like to arrange
a still life
and then
go live in it--
an artful pot,
dried flowers,
a stone frog,
and perfect calm.

Luci Shaw

Cures for Baby's Cold

2011-09-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

Vicks on baby's feet and with socks over top. A tip from my sister who has four kids and has nursed the kids through many a cold. Sometimes all four at once.
Lots of liquids including daddy's special get-better-quick-chicken soup.
Snuggles from mommy and various stuffies.
Baby Tylenol...helps mommy cope with the whining.
Barney which in baby land makes everything better.

Stories

2011-09-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

I find that not being employed can get me down. I used to listen to lots of stories from people’s lives every day. Since I am now with my 1 year old all day I am starved for ideas and stories to keep my mind active.

One thing I’ve started to do is listen to podcasts when it’s just me a Safiya at home and we’re busy playing littlest people. Recently I’ve heard two hilarious podcasts from “This American Life,” a public radio show from the USA, that really brightened my day. One is called “First Day: Act Two Squirrel Cop” which is a true story about a rookie cop and his first day on the job. The other is called “The New Boss” about this guy who works in a homeless shelter. The second one is probably one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard rivaled only by a story our friend Ed told us about his travels but I don’t have permission to repeat it so I won’t.

I also find myself reading a lot in the evenings especially before bed or trying to read during the day which never works for very long with Safiya around.

What you don't see in this picture is a little rugrat next to me trying to eat the earplugs...hence the reason I keep my reading activities mostly to the evening hours.

The last two fictions I’ve read I really enjoyed. Generally I find it difficult to find fictions I just can’t put down so its kind of cool I've had two good hits in a row.

The latest book I read is called “Through Black Spruce” By Joseph Boyden. I got it for a dollar at a garage sale and I just finished it this morning while Safiya was begging me to read to her. I had to pull her on to my lap and make the cow moo under the flap while finishing my own book (I’m learning all sorts of new skills with this mommy gig I got going). Anyway, the book is about an Indigenous family who lives in Northern Ontario. I loved the characters and the themes (survival, resilience, being Cree). The characters were people I felt I could be friends with and knew.

The second book I’ve recently read, called “To the End of the Land” By David Grossman, deals with the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. I thought the author was very balanced in his view. It was also extremely heart-felt since his son died in combat at the same time he was writing the book. I really dug what the author had to say. The basic message I got out of it was that the violence, hate and fear is killing everyone and will be the end of us all (the Israelis and the Palestinians). It was a good book.

It’s always sad when I finish a good book because I’m never sure when the next one will find its way to me. So if you have any ideas for books or podcasts you think I might be interested in don’t hesitate to send them my way.

Picture From My Day - Birthday Bash

2011-09-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

Safiya celebrated her first birthday today with her mommy and daddy, grandmas and grandpas plus her godmother Jessica and her good friends Wendy and Matthew. I can't believe my little baby is already a year old.

getting ready for her birthday brunch this morning

Happy birthday my lovely, happy Safiya!

Longing

2011-09-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

(Me on the West Coast Trail, Summer 2008)

Today I was longing to do some serious hiking. It's been so, so long. My body and mind are aching for the freedom to walk and walk and think and stop for a bite and keep walking and walking all the while taking in the trees and the mountains. I miss the wilderness so much.

New Pictures Of Safiya

2011-09-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

My Father-In-Law, Doug, recently took some pictures of Safiya and was kind enough to pass them along. They are so cute I couldn't help posting some.

You can check out more of Doug's work at Doug Chaffee's Photo Galleries.

Ten Things I Love About Running

2011-09-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

Space
Peace
Challenge
Reorientation
Empowerment
Drive
Freedom
Strength
Engagement
Transform

(Sorry no pics...yeah, that's right. I'm too damn fast!)

Picture From My Day - Remnants of A Wonderful Evening

2011-09-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

Suffering

2011-09-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: the boy mentioned in the first paragraph of this post was returned alive this morning to his family home. I wrote this blog before I knew about his return. Since that event was the catalyst for this post, I decided to publish it anyway.

On Tuesday a 3 year old boy, Keinan Hebert, disappeared during the night in Sparwood, BC. The police think a mad man snatched him out of his bed and the chances of him being safe and sound are not great. It’s hit the communities around here pretty hard. This of course has happened in the wake of the anniversary of 9/11 which is only part of the picture of suffering that has happened to all sorts of people in the world because of hate and greed.

Sorrow by van Gogh

Extreme suffering always sends me into a spiritual crisis that waits quietly on the sidelines of my mind only to ambush me with unanswerable questions. Why would God let people suffer so much? Why certain people and not others? It seems like the more vulnerable people suffer most.What does this say about the God I worship? I’ve been to seminary so I know the theological answers but they seem to ring hollow for me: it’s because of sin in the world; suffering allows God to reveal Himself to us; suffering occurs for our own good to make us more righteous people...blah, blah, blah. Seriously, those answers just make me mad. I feel like they minimize the very real pain of suffering and provide pat answers to the tragedy of that pain. The only thing that helps me out even a little is the knowledge that Jesus was no stranger to suffering.

I’ve gone around and around in my mind, in my readings, and in conversations about these questions and non-answers. Suffering makes me feel scared and pained. It’s hard to open myself up to other people’s suffering. It takes me to a place of chaos and grief with questions that I can’t answer. After years of reading about mass suffering in the news and working with people who are often very hurt, I have fewer answers about suffering now than fifteen years ago.

However, there are two conclusions I’ve come to in my life. I have an obligation to work to change circumstances that create suffering (hence my career in social services and vocation as a social worker). I don't know where this passion comes from but it drives my thoughts, feelings and actions. It is also self propagating. The more I encounter people who suffer because of poverty, violence, grief or some other event the more concerned I become about people who suffer and the more willing I am to forgo my own comfort to reduce the pain in other people's lives.

The second thing is much more difficult to do. The Jewish people have a tradition they call “sitting shiva.” My understanding of it is that family members of the deceased cease all regular life activities for seven days (the amount of time spent in mourning differs from sect to sect) and remember the dead. If one is to visit a family sitting shiva, the visitor sits in silence and only speaks if conversation is initiated by the mourners. This practice reminds me to be present to people’s pain without trying to ignore, minimize, 'fix’ or talk over it. In my experience, being a witness to suffering is a difficult task.

I don't have too much more to say about this topic at the moment but it is a theme that continues to leave a heavy footprint on my life. I’m eager to keep this conversation going so if you have a story to tell or an insight to share, I would love to hear about it publicly (leave a comment) or privately (email or fb me).

Our Final Trip For The Summer

2011-09-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went up to Whistler for our final trip of the year. It was great but I'm so, so ready for a break and some routine.

We shared a cabin with our friends Ben and Brenda and their 3 kids and then some other friends came up and joined us for half a day on Saturday. I think the most fun I had was biking and swimming at Lost Lake then hiking with Brenda the next morning. Here are a few pics:

Safiya's first bike ride! Helping Mommy put on her bike helmet.

The lake was lose-your-breath cold but clear and beautiful (just the way I like it).

Also, Brenda and I went for a morning hike to Cheakamus Lake sans kids....the whole trip took us 4 hours. The most I've ever spent apart from Safiya...ever. It was so great to be among the trees and mountains. Plus Brenda is a veteran mom with 3 little kids and gave me good advice on surviving early motherhood (e.g "take time for yourself...baby will be okay" and "invest in your relationship with your partner. It will out last the kid phase"....good perspective Brenda!).

Ben and Brenda's kids were so sweet with Safiya and I was happy that she got to play with older kids. So good for her to not be the center of attention and have to share (this term I use lightly) etc.

Thanks Ben, Brenda and kids for hanging out with us. We had so much fun.

Sleepless Nights, Granola Bars and Movies

2011-09-02T04:41:00.000-07:00

It’s 4:30 a.m. and I’ve been up since 3 a.m. Safiya decided to sleep with me. And by sleep I mean she sleeps and I lay awake because of her constant movement. No wonder babies need to eat all the time: they never stop moving even in their sleep.

I’ve been bumping around the internet, well more specifically pinterest, a new site I’ve discovered and am mildly addicted to, and finally decided to blog instead. Do something useful with my time.

This week went by in a flash. We got home from Spokane rushed around unpacking, doing laundry and fill our empty fridge. The next day we helped my folks move. Paul has been getting ready for back to school next week and I spent my week cleaning up, trying to infuse some routine into Safiya's life, and seeing friends that I love and miss. Also, we’re heading for Whistler for the long weekend so yesterday was extra busy getting ready for that.

In all the busyness I did manage to bake some granola bars. The culinary arts are not my specialty and feel more like work than play so I like to watch a movie online or listen to a podcast while cooking to take my mind off the task at hand. When I made these bars I was watching “The Glass House.” The movie and the granola bars only get a 5/6 out of 10 but I’ve decided to blog the recipe anyway because Paul loved them. I’m thinking maybe someone else out there will love them too.

The recipe is so easy. I got it out of my running magazine Runner’s World (hmm, maybe this ought to be a lesson to me about getting a food recipe out of a magazine that considers food fuel). Put in 3 tbsp of honey, 2 tbsp of oil (I put in less and would have used apple sauce instead but we didn’t have any), 2 cups of oats, orange zest, 2 eggs and mix it all around (it's a lot like the hokey pokey).

Then add whatever dried fruit and nuts you have around. We only had raisins so I added raisins, cashews and coconut flakes.

Bake the whole shebang at 400 for 20 minutes, cut them into bars when they come out of the oven and there you have it. Easy.

Hope you enjoy them.

Picture From My Day - Dance Party Turned Kissing Party

2011-08-31T16:56:00.000-07:00

Home From Spokane

2011-08-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

We spent a good part of this week in Spokane visiting Paul's brother, Phil and his family. Paul and I have gone to Spokane every summer since we got engaged. I love going because its so peaceful at Phil and Kelly's place. They live about 20 minutes outside of town and have an absolutely lovely view. I also look forward to seeing Mary, their 10 year old daughter, and hanging out with her each year. This summer there was the added bonus of meeting Sarah, their 7 month old daughter, for the first time.

Highlights:

The beautiful scenery and the heat - Spokane is hot. I think it reached the mid to high 30 degrees Celsius while we where there. The ponderosa pine needles give off an excellent smell in the heat which always reminds me of my childhood in Israel. Love it! Also, there is beauty everywhere. Each morning I try to steal away for a few minutes to sit on P & K's wrap around porch and take in the view of mountains, water and trees. What luxury.

Watching the babies interact - Safiya had complex feelings about Sarah. She spent a lot of time trying to kiss Sarah which had to be policed because Safiya isn't always as gentle as she could be. Safiya also saw me playing and holding Sarah which was disturbing for her so she took the next opportunity she had to clock Sarah in the head. Naughty! However, this didn't stop her from trying to comfort Sarah when Sarah was crying. Complicated kid!

Swimming in the river with Mary- Phil and Kelly live about 5 minutes from a beautiful river with excellent swimming.

We love going each year and always look forward to the next summer. Thanks Phil and Kelly for having us and for hanging out. We had a wonderful time.

Picture From My Day - Nap Time With Safiya

2011-08-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

Part II: Love - Anchoring

2011-08-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

Three months after saying our vows, I was pregnant and sick. Forbidding Paul to cook with garlic or generally go near it. Paul and I could no long do the things we had enjoyed doing together like hiking, biking, and going for long walks. I was just too sick. Also, Paul had to basically keep the house going because it was all I could do to get through the day.

Additionally, we started noticing our differences rather than our similarities. There was a lot of negotiating and “working things out.” We had to find ways of doing things and saying things that accommodated the other person.

After our daughter Safiya’s birth there was also the stress of adjusting to the no sleep, constant care regime she had us on. We fought a lot (I’ve blogged about this before) and had to expand our relationship to include the role of co-parents in addition to friends and lovers. So where did this leave the hot love of our dating and newlywed years?

You might think our love ran cold with all the new challenges we faced but the opposite happened. The turmoil required us to live out the words we had spoken to each other during our beginnings. Our love became leaner. It could stretch further and was able to bear more weight.

The conflict and limits our relationship experienced was cushioned by incredibly intimate moments. I had a gut wrenching 34 hour labor with Safiya that ended in a caesarian section. By the time the hospital staff sent me to the operating room I was emotionally, mentally and physically at my limit not caring what happened to me or the baby. There were a gazillion people around me in the OR. I remember feeling generally out of control, looking around and not recognizing anyone.

Then I saw Paul on my left side. He took my hand and I remember holding eye contact with him for the entire procedure. He talked to me in a quiet voice telling me what has happening, how things were going. He was the first to see and hold Safiya; cuddling her because I couldn’t. He was my rock throughout the operation creating a space for calm and normalcy in the midst of chaos. I think of him this way when we seem to be at an impasse or too different from each other to reconcile. These moments of connection help me see the wider picture of who we are. They anchor me in our love.

Part I: Love – Falling

2011-08-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking about L-O-V-E. My friend told me some news about her love life and it led me to think about romantic love. Specifically I was thinking of the ways that the love between Paul and I has shifted and changed over the past three years.

At the beginning, I was crazy in love with Paul: a once in a life time experience (at least for me). I fell in love with him almost right away (within two weeks of knowing him). One of the first things I noticed about Paul was that he was kind to people who were easy to ignore. This was a big deal to me because I have been involved with marginalized communities and issues for along time. Noticing people who are "othered" in our society is integral to who I am. So it is definitely something I notice in the way people treat eachother.

On one of our first hikes together.

Another thing that attracted me to Paul was that we had amazing conversations about history, politics, world events, traveling and social issues. Sometimes we agreed but lots of times we didn’t. This intellectual banter has remained an important part of our relationship. Now as a stay at home mom he is water to my thirsty intellect.

And then there was the hotness. I used to refer to Paul as “hot Paul” before and during our dating year. I don’t even think Paul knows that. Paulie did you know that? Suffice it to say, sparks flu and I still can’t get over how I landed such a handsome guy.

I couldn’t have been more excited to marry Paul. I never had cold feet or wondered if we were making the right decision. I was confident in who Paul was and who we were together. When we said our vows I was so moved that I burst into tears and then laughed at myself…yeah, I was a mess. I even saw my stoic Paul get teary eyed. I felt my spirit roll over and I like to think that at that moment our souls fused together.

Dating and marrying were exciting times. But its late and I have to go to bed so tune in for part II tomorrow (or maybe the next day) that's where things really get interesting.

Picture From My Day - Paul's First Green Bean Harvest EVER!

2011-08-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

Whistler Trip with Jessica

2011-08-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Whistler was so much fun!! Mostly because I was with my cousin Jessica who is definitely one of my closest friends. Jessica and I have been roommates on and off throughout our twenties so it was a complete pleasure to spend hanging out time together again. Plus we have the same idea about what relaxing looks like which includes no fixed agenda as well as lots of chatting and laughing.

We giggled our way up the trails. It was either that or cry because pushing Safiya's preferred, cheap stroller, up gravel paths was physically painful but Jess was a great sport (no I didn't sucker Jess into pushing the stroller. She was kind enough to offer to push when I got to winded to talk). It was totally worth it too with scenery like this:

Safiya also had a great vacation. I don't think she realized that life could be quite so sweet. She loved the pool and we spent A LOT of time in the water.

In the morning she got to lay in bed, have her bottle and watch kids programming. Heaven!

Plus she got a taste of her first Starbucks frappuccino including the whipped cream which I think I might regret introducing her to in the future.

All in all we had a wonderful time. Thanks Jess for hanging with us.

On Being Tall

2011-08-08T02:49:00.000-07:00

This last semester in school I took a class on disabilities and social work. To be honest, it wasn’t a great class but it did help me identify one of the ways I’m not doing right by Safiya.

Safiya is tall. She’s in the 95% for height in her age and gender category. It’s not really a surprise since her dad is 6.6 and I come in at an above average height of 5.8. When the topic of her height comes up in conversation Paul and I often say things like “It’s okay that you’re tall. You’ll be an excellent basketball player.” The thing I came to realize through the class is that the implicit message in these kinds of statements is that our daughter’s body is not okay, it is among the rejected bodies of society and she must validate her existence by being exceptional in some capacity. I’ve spoken with Paul and we’ve decided to stop saying statements like these to Safiya. Rather we hope to affirm her height as different then her peers; to recognize the barriers she may face because of her height (for example, being expected to perform in ways beyond her developmental ability since people will assume she’s 5 years old instead of 4 years old); to accept her height as simply different rather than wrong; and ultimately to learn along with her to adore irrevocable differences. As her mom, I also want her to know that she’s more than just a tall girl. That she is also a loud girl (just kidding). That she is a complete and complex person with lots of unique abilities and ways of being in this world. My hope is that she will take the time to discover who she is, reflect on the experiences she will have, use this knowledge in the service of others and, by so doing, leave the world a better place than she found it.

PS If you’ve said these sorts of things to us or will say them, don’t feel bad. I’m not offended. I’ve thought or said them myself. This post is just about my personal journey.

Feast & Famine

2011-08-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

(L pic from Oxfam blog; R pic on vacation)

Picture From Yesterday

2011-08-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

Safiya absolutely goes crazy for animals so we spend a lot of our time stalking neighborhood cats, dogs, squirrels and birds. The free petting zoo at Queens Park in New Westminster, British Columbia has been a wonderful gift to us since it means we don't have to dart around like sneaky spies.

Perry (my cousin) and Brittanie's Wedding

2011-08-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

We had the privilege of celebrating Brittanie and Perry's wedding with them yesterday. It was such a beautiful venue in a lovely garden behind a big mansion. The whole thing was intimate and moving. My dad officiated the ceremony and Paul ushered. Of course, our camera ran out of batteries as soon as we pulled it out of the bag so the following shots are actually from my mom's camera.

Brittanie coming down the aisle with her dad.

The guys waiting for the bride: (from left to right) my dad Dan, the groom Perry and my cousin Cory.

The vows were beautiful. One line really stuck with me: "your every breath will be surrounded by my love." So stinkin' romantic.

Moriah, an honorary Thiessen, playing with Safiya among the left over rose petals.

Marc, another honorary Thiessen and Moriah's dad, did an excellent job of MCing. I thought he was so funny and made everyone feel relaxed (even though I saw Esthie, his wife, rolling her eyes at some of his jokes. Don't worry Marc. We all get the eye roll from our partners every now and then).

The headtable.

My beautiful Safiya. Somewhere between babydom and toddlerhood.

The highlight for the kids was definitely rolling/running down the hill.

Perry and Brittanie cutting the cupcake. One of the best things about the wedding: gluten free dessert so yours truly could partake.

My lovely mom with my rascally little cousin Kaden.

Thanks Perry and Brittanie for including us in your beautiful day. I had so much fun!

Kale Chips

2011-07-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

Our garden has an over abundance of kale and swiss chard (seriously if anyone lives in the Lower Mainland/Vancouver BC region and wants to pick some up, please drop me a line).

We've been putting it in everything. I've even resorted to adding handfuls of swiss chard to our fruit smoothies which sounds gross but, if you blend in a banana, you can't even taste it.

I've also discovered some new recipes. Kale chips is one of the easiest and fastest snack recipes I've found so far. I'd never really heard of kale chips until I encountered the recipe in an article from an online parenting magazine called Babble (if you're interested, this magazine won a Folio magazine award for Best Online Magazine beating out the likes of Time magazine. It was founded by Rufus Griscom and his partner Alisa Volkeman who first started an online magazine called Nerve which is about dating and culture. I found them on TED talks. ..anyway, I digress). So with kale chips you cut off the stems, wash and dry the leaves, lay the leaves flat on a baking sheet, sprinkle with olive oil and any other spices you want. I did one tray with salt and pepper and a second tray with a curry mix that Paul picked up at the farmers market.

The next part is really quite technical: you toss with your hands and bake at 400 for about 10 -20 minutes. I had to watch the chips closely because they tend to burn easily. The end product was well worth it though. Yummy warm kale chips.

The only thing about kale chips is that they're messy and aren't very baby friendly. I tried to give some to Safiya and she looked at me like I was mental.

Menace

2011-07-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

In place of a "Picture From My Day" (Paul has the camera somewhere in the US), I have posted this picture. Because it makes me laugh and laughter is a good thing.

3 Things I Love About Our Neighbourhood

2011-07-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

1.The Noribong behind our house – if you’ve never tried a Noribong (Korean karaoke) you should really give it a go. For a by-the-hour fee, you get a dimly lit room which usually includes a disco ball, cheesy furniture, a flat screen T.V., and two microphones. Plus all the song lyrics are clearly transcribed by someone whose first language is not English. It’s a pretty good time and we have access to a 24 hour Noribong right behind our place. How sweet it is that?

2. The salmon run each year in a creek that’s a 5 minute walk from our house – in the spring there is a salmon festival and the salmon fry are released into the stream. They come back in the fall to spawn and die. It’s a really interesting process to watch. P.S. I’ve also seen bears on the trail that parallels the creek.When I was in my last trimester of pregnancy I had to waddle away from such an encounter at a pretty high clip.

3. We are a 15 minute walk from a library and community center – I love libraries and have gone to the library at least once a week since I was...I don’t know...young. As a side note, this one time I joined a summer book club at the library but the library went on strike so I ended up being the only member...yeah. I know. But the great thing was I won all the book club incentive prizes. And yes, I realize I just outed myself as a geek but most of you probably already knew that.

Picture From My Day

2011-07-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

At the Blue Mountain Music Festival.

Church

2011-07-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

So church has been on my mind lately. For the most part I’ve had a pretty difficult time with church. I was raised in conservative evangelical churches. From my mid-teens to twenty seven I wasn’t involved in Christian churches. My years of absenteeism were important years of religious exploration and thought. I traveled a lot, talked to Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus and people from various Christian sects about their faith. New understandings were formed and questions emerged that I still don’t have answers to. During those years, I went to church occasionally but in a drop-in only capacity.

In 2004 I had an encounter with Jesus that changed the trajectory of my life (I don’t talk about it often because it was such a tender and profound experience that I feel protective of it). During that time, I started attending church more regularly but I could only hack doing one church thing a week. So I either went to service or small group (a group that meets once a week to talk about God and pray about whatever is going on). Being married has brought my church going to a whole new level because Paul goes to church and small group. Sometimes I do both, sometimes I still only do one or the other. But being more involved in church has helped me to identify what my issues actually are.

What I’ve discovered is that the main reason I don’t really like church is that I find it painful. I’ve had a lot of negative experiences with church people. Some people say a lot of crap about Christ’s love etc. but are actually quite hurtful or downright harmful in their actions. Because of those experiences I find myself approaching Christian communities with a lot of mistrust. While I recognize that this statement is unfair to people who profess believing in Jesus and actually live that out, I still approach ‘church people’ with the assumption that I’d better watch my back.

When I got married, Paul and I started attending a local church in our community and became involved in a small group within 2 months of first walking through the doors of the church. For me that was moving way too fast. It was sort of like meeting the parents when you’ve only been out on 2 or 3 dates. I just didn’t feel ready to bring my relationship to that kind of level. Mostly due to Paul’s urging to give it time, we kept going to church and small group and developed friendships with the people in that community. When we had Safiya people from our group and church called to ask how we were, if they could do anything to help, brought us meals and lent us all the accessories that come along with baby. I was overwhelmed by their support.

Those relationships have played an important part in helping me sorting myself out. What I’ve been learning is that you can’t just clump everyone together. I’m being challenged to not ascribe the hurt I’ve experienced from some Christians to all Christians. I’m also learning that it's important to not shy away from hurt and pain that does happen in Christian communities. We need to address injustices but to be effective this has to happen within relationship. I'm learning it’s important to talk things out even if it feels like I won’t be heard or that what I have to say is unimportant. Because dialogue shifts the shape of my thoughts and by extension my feelings (for better or for worse). It allows me to let go of whats going on inside regardless of the response because I've spoken my truth and acted with integrity. I think all these changes and challenges are bringing about a certain amount of healing to this area of my life (who would have thought I would find healing in a church? That’s just crazy! It’s not even my preferred denomination).

Trip to Gabriola Island

2011-07-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago we got back from Gabriola Island where we throw out schedules and to-do-lists and hippied it up for a few days. The feelings of peacefulness and wildness all rolled into one were the best things about being at the cabin. It makes me wonder what I'm doing living in a city. Oh, yeah. Someone has to make a living (um, that would be Paul not me that makes the living so I guess I could technically live on an island and Paul could work...that seems fair).

Our Cabin along the waterfront. We could hear the waves lapping against the shore from inside the house. It was wonderful!

Paul, Sue (my mother-in-law), and Safiya hangin' out on the backstairs.

We took lots of long walks which made my soul glad!

The sun, wind and water did us all good and we came back full and content.

Edmonton Trip

2011-07-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

We just got home last night from Edmonton. It was so nice to see my sister, brother-in-law and the 4 kids. Here are some pics from the trip. Enjoy!

Kali, Rachel and Chuck's dog, is the sweetest, most gentle dog you ever did meet. But for the emotional roller-coaster who is my daughter hanging out with Kali was like being in a bad relationship: the best of times and the worst of times. Hard for the rest of us to watch really.

My oh-so-cool nephews and niece: (left to right) Levi, Ellie and Aden.

Aden taking Safiya for a spin at the playground.

So cute (and holy mackerel does Ellie ever look like my sister in this picture).

Levi lovin' Safiya.

Hannah, Rachel and Chuck's very pretty, oldest daughter, hanging out with a neighbor kid, Safiya and Rachel.

My sister and grumpy Safiya.

Churchill Square in downtown Edmonton. Paul, Safiya and I went for a little stroll through the Art and Word Fair.

We plan to put Safiya to work soon. The free ride is totally over.

My husband as a lovely, lady tomato soup.

My sister lives just above the river valley. It's a gorgeous spot in Edmonton with lots of trails and a 5 minute walk to downtown. So lucky!

Whyte Ave which has lots of one-of-a-kind shops and restaurants.

Me and Safiya on our way home. Safiya was not a happy camper and there was a poop incident that re-defined 'worst case scenario.' It was totally disgusting even for a mom.

I didn't get a good pic of Chuck or Hannah but that will just have to wait until the next time we all hang out.

Anyway, glad to go and glad to be home. Now on to Gabriola Island to spend a week with my mother-in-law, father in-law, Paul and Safiya. I can't wait.

Hello From Edmonton

2011-07-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

We're in Edmonton visiting my sister and fam. It's so great to spend time together. I can't believe that my nieces and nephews are so grown up. It gives me a great deal of hope that the challenges of babyhood and toddler-hood are an investment that pays off later.

The only hitch is that Safiya has been sick. She woke up with a fever the morning we left for Edmonton. She hasn't been eating much and sleeps more than usual. I think, and hope, its all teething related.

Pictures are coming. I just can't find the attachment to the camera in our chaotic suitcase.

Picture from My Day - An Encounter With A Wild Sea Otter

2011-06-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we walked around Stanley Park. We had intended to go to the aquarium, our second attempt, but the lineups were too long. However, we were lucky enough to be at the right place on the seawall at just the right moment. A sea otter came up on the rocks to eat his lunch. I haven't been that close to wildlife in a long time and it was fascinating to watch him eat his fish. Also, there was a guy, obviously a non-Canadian, who wondered out loud if the sea otter was a beaver. It was pretty funny.

Our Great Find

2011-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

We decided to take advantage of the sunshine this afternoon and get out of the house. I was itching to go somewhere new because I hate going to the same places over and over. Paul and I had planned a “big” three hour hike to see if Safiya could tolerate that kind of time in the backpack but she was such a grumpy old bear today that we decided to go somewhere we could make a quick get away to the car if we needed to.

My brilliant husband suggested Barnet Marine Park on the north side of Burnaby Mountain. It turned out to be a hidden gem. The secret is to head west of the main beach along the sea wall that follows the ocean for about 30 minutes (an hour return). There are beaches and lovely, non-goose poop lawns. Plus it seemed to be mostly locals who frequent the park which means there wasn’t much people traffic. Sweet find!

It was also Safiya's first time dipping her toes into the ocean. She loved it and had a big freak-out when we had to leave. Oh, my little water baby!

Picture From My Day - Paul's Father's Day

2011-06-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

This is what awaited Paul when he came downstairs this morning. A manly aloe vera plant, a hazelnut soy lattee, and a card expressing how appreciative Safiya and I are for having such a great dad/husband. Safiya couldn't be luckier. Fortunately, my dad is low maintenance and a 'happy father's day' call at 7am sufficed.

Part III: If You Can't Feed a Hundred People, Then Feed Just One (so said Mother Teresa)

2011-06-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

My third post on the most unexpected parts of becoming a parent is about spiritual awakening. When I was pregnant with Safiya I became increasingly concerned with food security and environmental issues. Thinking about being a parent led me to think about my children’s future. I started noticing the news reports on the devastating impact of rising food prices in the developing world which resulted in millions of people being plunged into poverty and/or starvation. While I recognize that there are many factors contributing to rising food prices, I think the environmental impact we’re having on our planet has the most long lasting implications for food growth.

Of course, in Canada, the issue of food security is felt most acutely by poor people. We middle class people in the west feel the effects of these sorts of things mildly if at all, but those with less social, economic and political padding are hit hardest. We’re talking here about kids, single mothers, the elderly and disabled people (to name a few). Sometimes it’s hard to personalize this kind of stuff especially if we don’t know poor people. Even if it does strike a chord, we don’t know what to do about it. But if we start thinking of people in marginalized groups as our kids, mothers, grandparents, aunties and uncles, I know for me at least, I can see these issues with new eyes. Eyes that see suffering happening to people I care about.

I could talk about this for a long time because I’ve been reading quite a bit about it but this is all to say that I have recently become preoccupied with these issues.

This has translated into a few things in my life. First, I started wanting to know how to grow my own food because I feel that I will not have done right by the next generation if I don’t teach them how to feed themselves. Right now, I’m learning how to grow our food from my dad and grandpa on my aunt’s farm.

Second, among other things, I’ve started to choose foods that are grown locally rather than shipped in from other countries to lessen the global impact our family has on the planet.

And third, I’ve started to research local food security movements online and listen to what scholars are saying about international and local food security. Becoming involved in food security on any significant level is difficult for me to tackle because I’m pretty consumed by domestic life at the moment. But it’s definitely on my radar and something I hope to get involved with.

So how does this connect to spirituality? Well, I have to say at first I didn’t think it did. I mean you could just say I started gardening. But Paul pointed out that being other-centered and being concerned about the generations to come is very much connected to being a follower of Christ since Jesus was all about serving others. Additionally, I have always felt connected to God when I’m in nature, hence the love for hiking, but I feel like it’s moved to the next level. When I’m gardening and when I think about how to feed people and by extension, lessen people’s suffering, I feel alive in a deep part of my being. I believe that feeling is all about God and the spirit He's placed in me.

PS If you want some good websites to check out here are a few:

City Harvest - about demonstrating and promoting urban agriculture.

Sustain Web - a UK website that is all about policies and practices that enhance health of people, animals and the environment. They have some really cool projects and initiatives going.

Agriculture Urbanism - a website that looks at how to integrate sustainable food systems into urban planning projects (Thanks Eric for that one).

Okay if you want websites you can really dig into let me know. Each community is different but there are ways of buying your food and growing your food that promote food security and sustainability.

Picture From My Day (well actually yesterday)

2011-06-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

Wedding Weekend

2011-06-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

My cousin CJ got married this weekend at a beautiful golf course just east of Chilliwack, BC. I had such a great time. CJ and Stephanie got married outside in a beautiful location. We were surrounded by mountains and greenness. I looked up half way through the service to see the fog moving down the mountain line. It was pretty and enhanced the laidback feel to the wedding. Also, it was nice to hangout with my fam and see them all decked out in their best duds. I usually see everyone in their T-shirts and jeans.

My Dad entertained Safiya during the service. You would think that with such a pretty dress Safiya would behave like a lady but she mangled the garden shrubbery during the ceremony.

My beautiful cousin Jess who was CJ's best groom's person.

My other cousin Sarah who wasn't in the wedding party but takes a very cute picture.

The handsome groom.

And radiant bride.

This was another highlight of the wedding. The cupcake cake. We had to leave early because of a certain cranky pants and Paul stole a cupcake on the way out. He was surprisingly stealthy.

My sweet Mum with her sweet grandbaby.

Thanks CJ and Steph for putting on a great event. We loved celebrating with you and wish you all the best.

Picture From My Day

2011-06-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Visitor From the East

2011-06-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

My brother, Avi, came to visit from Edmonton and we had the nicest time. We rarely get to hangout and enjoy each other's company so the last couple of days were a total treat. Highlights: chatting late into the evening (well, 11pm which for me is akin to the regular person's 2am but I figured hey what the heck. I might as well throw caution to the wind. How often do I get to spend this kind of time with my bro?); wearing Avi's Garmin watch on a morning run together (of course, the real highlight was spending quality sibling time together); and walking around the Gastown area of Vancouver looking at buildings (old neighborhood, how I've missed you!). Thanks for the visit Av. We love you.

New Developments

2011-06-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

There are new and exciting changes in little Safiya’s life.

She’s eating solids which has brought all sorts of new joy into her life. I have to agree with her: eating is wicked fun.

Safiya has grown 3 new teeth which has resulted in vampire kisses for Mommy and Daddy.

She has also discovered standing which, in case you haven’t noticed lately, is awesome!

The cool thing about having Safiya around is that she helps me appreciate things I normally don't even think about like how great standing is and the joy of eating. It helps me rediscover and be present to wonder in the mundane.

Oh, yeah. She has also learned how to scream from the kids at the public pool and its turned her into a bit of a shrieking, hooligan baby.

Part II: You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up

2011-06-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

I haven’t forgotten about my promise to blog about the three most unexpected parts of becoming a parent. I’ve just been up to my eyeballs in mid-term papers. I’m actually supposed to be doing one now but I’d much rather blog.

A shockingly unexpected part of growing our family is that Paul and I suddenly fought. We fought a lot! This was new to us. Of course we had disagreements before the marathon of nursing and changing diapers. But Paul and I are both quick to make up so these were usually short lived encounters. All that changed with Safiya. Suddenly we found ourselves having ridiculous arguments over how much water to put in her bottle or the quickest route to the supermarket. It really bothered me because I’m way more of a lover than a fighter. My sister gave me good advice acknowledging that fighting is pretty normal for new parents and things would settle down.

After a few months, things did settle down. The period of calm came when Paul and I strategized about ways we could cope. This has turned into an ongoing conversation. One thing that has helped is to have realistic expectations of each other by recognizing that we are tired, in transition, or just feeling crappy. For me it continues to be important to remember that Paul is human too and sometimes he might be able to be patient with me when I’m grumpy but sometimes he won’t because he’s worked all day too.

Me and Paulie lovin' it up!

When Paul and I spend intentional time together, separate from Safiya, it seems to decrease negative encounters. For us this means going for a run or a walk, planning to do something special at home in the evening or just having a cup of tea together during nap time. It helps me to remember that we have a friendship and a romance that exists outside of our functional role of co-parenting and that relationship is pretty dang cool.

We are also committed to talking about what we do well when we argue which underscores the positive ways we can cope, do more of those things and less of the things that makes us dig in our heels. All this amounts to more time for the good stuff – laughing, loving and just plain enjoying life together.

Picture From My Day

2011-06-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

5K Run For Water

2011-05-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

My good cousin Jessica and I ran the 5K Run For Water Sunday morning in Abbotsford, BC while Paul looked after Safiya for a couple hours. It was awesome to race again. We had sunny, gorgeous weather and I dominated, killing my last time by about 4 minutes.

I highly recommend the race which includes a 5k, 10k, half-marathon, and a Boston qualifying, marathon. The money from the race goes to support clean water development in Ethiopia. Also, it's a well organized race with clear start/finish lines and route postings. Plus there's loads of good swag besides the usual T-shirt, coupons, and participant medal including free Starbucks coffee and dessert, free Vitamin Water, free Cliff bars and lots of other goodies. It made my cheap little Mennonite heart so very, very happy.

Re: Overwhelmed

2011-05-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone who called, emailed and facebooked me regarding my last post. I feel very encouraged and much less isolated in the chaos.

Overwhelmed (or Help!)

2011-05-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling inundated with schoolwork and childcare. I started my semester four weeks ago and I've been trying to catch up ever since (For those of you who don’t know, I’m finishing up a social work degree at the University of Victoria). I feel like my life is a train, I’m running beside it and no matter how fast I move my legs I just can’t keep up.

I have to do most of my schoolwork in the evenings and I like to be in bed by 9pm or 10pm since my little Safiya, the sleep terrorist, likes to wake up between 5am and 6am. Lately I haven’t been able to get to sleep before 10:30pm and sometimes as late as midnight because of my work. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal except it is because I haven't had good sleeps for months and months.

To top it off Safiya wants to be with me all the time and by ‘with me’ I mean sitting on me, climbing on me, or, at the very least, leaning on me. I don’t really mind except that it means I can’t do anything other than one handed tasks while she’s around and even some of those are impossible because she inevitably wants to mouth whatever I’m touching (e.g. knife, binder, phone, computer, pen, tea). I have had babysitting offers except it just makes Safiya even more clingy and I just can't manage the ol' desperate-to-be-with-mommy-o-meter turned up any higher.

I haven’t had time to knock around in my own head, go for a run on my own or read anything other than Indigenous policy or disability theory in weeks. I’ve been trying to simplify my life by not worrying about the extra stuff like household chores but at some point someone has to do laundry. I feel like I’m treading water, barely able to keep my head above the waterline and, every once in a while, I get pushed under by a 4am wake up time or a ten page research paper. I just keep telling myself that I only have 7 weeks left and I’ll just do the best I can.

If anyone out there has tips on simplifying life feel free to leave a comment for me. Unless, of course, you’re sipping margaritas in Mexico in which case I’m less interested in hearing from you.

Picture From My Day

2011-05-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

The classic Grandville Island market shot.

Officially Engaged

2011-05-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

The Glow by John Grey-Noble

When Paul proposed in the spring of 2009, he did so with my wedding band instead of an engagement ring because I wanted to substitute a painting for the ring. After a year and a half of going to galleries, checking out dozens of student art shows, and surfing the artist associations on-line, we finally found the painting we wanted. We immediately fell in love with John Grey-Noble's work when we discovered his blog Raven’s Home. This morning the artist dropped off our painting. It captures the wildness of British Columbia’s landscape and reminds Paul and I of how we felt the summer we met. Love.

Faux Hiking

2011-05-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

(Not part of the 3 parenting posts. This is just for fun.)

The last couple of days have been absolutely gorgeous and sunny here on the West Coast. Paul and I have been eager to start our hiking season. We’re not able to go for the awesome all day hikes of our past lives because our little girl is along for the ride now. But we did manage to go for a couple walk-hikes (a.k.a limited elevation and shorter rather than longer hikes). Yesterday we went around Sasamat Lake in Port Moody and today we hiked the Lynn Canyon Loop in North Vancouver. It’s so great to be able to take in all the green of spring and breathe the lovely warm air. Here are a few pics from yesterday and today.

Sasamat Lake, Port Moody

Lynn Canyon Loop, North Vancouver

Part I: I Was So Tired I Tried to Nurse My Husband's Arm

2011-05-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided to dedicate my next three blogs to the most unexpected parts of parenting a little person. You’ve probably guessed that sleep deprivation ranks among the most shocking things that can happen to a new parent. People told me about it but I didn’t really get it until I went through it. Actually, we’re still going through it. Safiya is 7 and half months now and she still isn’t sleeping well at night. Sometimes I’m scared to fall asleep at night because I know she’s going to wake me up right away which means I won’t be able to get back to sleep. So I just lay there waiting for her to call me. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months and I’m starting to feel the ramifications of not enough REM cycles.

Safiya sleeping at 2 weeks old. We haven't been able to capture this rare phenomenon since.

Someone told me once that it goes against the Geneva Convention to wake a person up every 2 hours. I told Paul and he’s been calling Safiya ‘the little terrorist’ ever since (ah, but what a cute little terrorist). I can see why it’s prohibited under international law. Crazy stuff happens. I lose my thought half way through a sentence. Really, I just stop talking and completely forget that I was talking never mind what I was saying. I just know that I should probably be saying something from the look on the other person’s face. Sometimes if I’m driving with Safiya I’ll completely panic because I can’t remember if I strapped her into her car seat or if I have forgotten her at home all together. Then there’s the moodiness which makes me feel a deep and abiding sympathy for people with mood disorders. It’s terrible. One minute I’m happily occupied with something and the next I’m a raging lunatic. My anger can be directed at anything really and even though I know it’s totally irrational I can’t talk myself off the ledge (not literally). Pregnancy moodiness is small potatoes compared to sleep deprivation moodiness.

Not to be all sunshine and lollipops, trust me it’s not all sunshine, but there are some positive things that have come for all this wakefulness. I never knew I was made up of this sort of physiological endurance. I’ve always believed that to function in life I need sound sleep and a balanced diet. I’ve come to realize that while sleep is important it’s not as important as I thought it was. Sometimes it’s worth sacrificing a little sleep for the benefit of another. Being up at all hours of the night has also revealed deep levels of patience and love that I never knew I had. Even at 2am when I’ve been woken up for the 5th or 6th or 7th time and my internal dialog is basically expletives, I patiently rock or hold or cuddle or talk soothingly to my baby. It surprises me.

* The title for this post came from a quote I read in a book called "Babyproofing Your Marriage" by Cockrell, O'Neil and Stone. I can totally relate!

Picture From My Day

2011-05-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

A lovely breakfast.
One of the benefits of Paul's parental leave: time to enjoy each other's company.

My Empty Corkboard

2011-05-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

Images have long been a part of my life. As a teenager I covered an entire wall of my basement room with images from magazines. In response to a particularly dark period of my life I hung a corkboard in my room and pinned pictures to it that helped me remember that life was beautiful and good. I’ve stuck with the corkboard ever since and throughout the years my corkboard has evolved. For the past ten years or so, I’ve tried to capture a feeling or mood in the images. I look for images that help me reflect in new ways on specific topics and questions. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m pinning a certain picture to my board. It just strikes me as interesting. Those images tend to be the most provocative often with multiple meanings. At the end of each year, usually around Christmas time, I take all the images down and put them in an envelope along with my journal for the year, photos of people I love, places I’ve visited and events I want to remember. My corkboard has become an important part of my life helping me understand myself and the world.

Since moving to Burquitlam, I hadn’t put a corkboard up in our room until fairly recently. I moved into Paul’s place when we got married and it took me a while to feel like it was our place instead of his place. Paul’s been pivotal in helping me feel comfortable in our home encouraging me to change whatever I want and integrate our stuff however I see fit. Paul was the one who nailed the corkboard to the wall for me. It’s smaller than its predecessors and better mounted than most of my previous boards.

The funny thing is I haven’t been able to fill it. Its emptiness just stares at me as I lay in bed at night gazing blankly back. I feel like the board exemplifies a lag in my creativity and I’m fearful that it means my capacity to think abstractly has dried up. Its blankness makes me feel panicky and sad.

A few years back my spiritual director taught me that it’s important to let these sorts of things speak to me. To wait in silence, withholding judgment and allow the feelings it generates tell me whatever they have to say (sounds hokey I know but it works). Perhaps I need to be shaped by this creative darkness. Get comfortable in the void as I settle into my new life as mother, partner and lover. I feel like I need to see this time as an incubation period, to take my time with it and be open to the possibility of the birthing of new forms of image and new meaning making in my life.

Exersaucer Update

2011-05-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been keeping current with the blog posts, we’ve found a happy alternative to the emotional roller coaster of the exersaucer. As it turns out our little girl requires low stimulation, cardboard box low stimulation. Paul usually takes Safiya in the morning so I can sleep in. The other morning when I came downstairs I found Paul working at his desk and Safiya happily playing in a cardboard box at his feet. She didn’t even have any toys in the box. She was just happy sitting there, cooing, pulling and gumming the flaps.

Picture From My Day

2011-05-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

Me and Safiya still in our PJs playing with bubbles (not Michael Jackson's chimpanzee...I mean bubbles like from soap).

Raw

2011-05-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Recently I’ve been experimenting with raw food recipes. A friend encouraged me to look into it and raved about how great the recipes were at getting her boys to eat vegetables. So I got a raw food cook book out of the library and have been making some of the recipes. Here’s one I really loved because it’s crazy delicious (you wouldn’t think so but you just have to try it to believe it), only takes a few minutes to make and fills you up with lots of nutritional calories.

Fluffy Chocolate Mousse (2 portions)

From “Raw Food: A Complete Guide to Every Meal of the Day” By Palmcrantz and Lilja

¼ cup dates

¼-1/2 cup water

2 tbsp honey

½ tsp vanilla

1 avocado

¼ cup cocoa

Blend it all together and put it in the fridge for about an hour to chill. I microwaved the dates with a little water before blending to soften them up because I have a crappy blender (microwaving probably goes against raw moral codes...oops). But if you have a decent blender you can probably just put the dates in as is. The mousse lasts for up to 3 days in the fridge and 2 weeks in the freezer.

There are two things I really dig about raw recipes. First, because they only use fresh foods, processed foods are eliminated altogether; and second, it allows me to experiment with new tastes and textures. However, it’s an expensive eating plan to follow. I find this disturbing not just because it’s hard on the budget but also because socio-economic status and classes are becoming more and more defined by the types of food that are available and accessible to certain groups of people. So the foods we eat and how we eat is also political. On a practical level, I found that lots of the recipes are pretty much glorified salads. In general I don’t buy the whole raw food philosophy either. The argument is that foods retain more of their nutritional value if they remain uncooked. A raw foodist lives on uncooked vegetable, fruits, nuts and seeds. I tend to think that a person can be healthy eating a balanced diet, being knowledgeable about where their food comes from and making environmentally conscious choices.

I wouldn’t be a very good social worker if I didn’t leave you, dear reader, with some resources. So if you want to check out more recipes there is an informational website about raw food also you can check out a website called the garden diet which tells the story of a family that eats raw and has lots of interesting information.

Running Like A Mother (or Something Is Better Than Nothing)

2011-05-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Before baby, I was an avid runner. I started running a few years ago as part of my plan to quit a pack-a-day-smoking habit. At the beginning, running was hard work, trucking outside each day for a huffy half hour run/walk. It sucked. But after about three months, the work paid off and I began to love running. It afforded me a new awareness of my surroundings both the seasons and the topography. The time I spent running became my sanctuary; a place of peace where I could allow my thoughts to wander. Running helped me work out life problems. If I felt stressed, instead of reaching for a cigarette, I would tie on my shoes and pound the pavement for a while. I soon started entering races and began to develop some head and body knowledge about pace, distance and time. I took to the competitiveness of running like a duck to water.

When I got pregnant with Safiya everything changed. My plan was to run through my pregnancy. I had read numerous articles about running while pregnant and felt confident that it was safe for both mommy and baby. But the reality was a little different. Within the first 6 weeks of pregnancy I got sick with nausea and vomiting. I stuck with the running until my 9^th week. At that point I had a miscarriage scare and traded running for walking and swimming (a poor trade if you ask me). Near the end of my pregnancy, I was down to just swimming because Safiya’s feet had lodged themselves into my back in such a way that they caused painful back spasms.

Since Safiya's birth, my experience of running has changed a lot. Although I got back on the horse pretty quickly and ran my first 5k was when she was 4 months old, it seems that I’ve traded my competitive edge for a “something is better than nothing” philosophy. Most days I’m too tired from getting up at night with Safiya to think too hard or long about my run for the day. I’m hesitant to really push myself because I know that I still have to have energy to look after Safiya and probably won’t get to sleep much. Also, I usually take little Safiya with me in her jogger stroller which means that I have to wrestle her into her jacket, hat and shoes and then buckle her into the stroller while she flails around and shouts at me (I used to be able to distract her with cartoons but she’s started to catch on to my ploy). It’s complete mayhem. So just getting out there and doing something feels like a triumph.

At my last 5K in Campbell Valley Park in Aldergrove. I forgot to bring half my stuff so Paul had to lend me his jacket....man, not sleeping bites.

Kid Crack

2011-04-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

Safiya got a new toy. Some kind friends lent us an exersaucer which is a seat that bounces and turns in a circle surrounded by a tray with lots of stimulating, age appropriate baby toys. Paul and I started calling it the crackersaucer since Safiya has developed quite a complex relationship with it. She totally loves touching all the toys, yelling along with the songs, and generally finds it quite exciting. However, after just a few minutes, it completely overwhelms her and she starts bawling and begging to be lifted out. When we do lift her out, she can’t take her eyes off the contraption and cries to be put back in. She loves using her exersaucer but it totally messes her up leaving her in an intense love/hate, can’t live with it/can’t live without it relationship. Who knew life could be so complicated for such a little kid?

Before the tide turned

Picture From My Day

2011-04-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Flowers from my container garden on our patio...yay, for spring!

Happy Easter and Chag Pesach Sameach

2011-04-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

Pic from Lani. For more pics see her photojournal.

Happy Easter and/or Passover everyone. I love this time of year. My family traditionally celebrates a Messianic Passover together. We invite friends and family, make a big meal, go through the order of service and hang out together . We remember how God delivered the Hebrews from under the heavy hand of Pharaoh. For those who believe in Jesus, the Exodus is a mirror of God’s deliverance from the darkness of self-centeredness, greed, pride, etc. through the death and resurrection of Jesus. I love how the Sedar captures the spectrum of life emphasizing death and life, sweet and bitter, joy and sorrow. It’s gritty and weighty stuff. Year after year it pulls me into spiritual turmoil as I’m forced to wrestle with who God says He is and who I think He should be. The service ends with praising God which I find particularly helpful. It asks me to take on a posture of gratitude before God for the life I’ve been given even though I live in the questions and ambiguity of my faith in Jesus.

I don't think Safiya tapped into the whole theological significance and meaningfulness of Passover. In fact, she was a little overwhelmed by all the people but she had a heck of a time riding around in her little buggy.